Irked.

What are friends for if you can't feel like you can vent to them? Tonight I had a big blowup with my gf over something stupid. We have differences, and that's fine. She lives her life, and I live mine. Sometimes the two intersect, and more often they don't. We have very different backgrounds and family lives. I like to think that that it shouldn't make a difference in how we approach each other. I guess I was wrong - something she thinks I don't like to admit. She's been privy to the ups and downs in my life, and tonight I felt under attack again because she doesn't understand why I do some of the things that I do. I felt like I should regret venting to her. I already have few outlets and losing one more is something I don't like - but if I have to, I will. That's part of this whole mess. I perceive that I am more willing to do things I don't like. I will do it, but I don't have to like it. And I am an emotional creature; so I'll vent about it elsewhere. She thinks that I'm trying to have things both ways. Huh? Why can't I just be able to vent without upsetting the actual target of my behavior? Seems like she's more tired of hearing me vent about doing stuff I don't like to do. I perceive the bottom line as that we value things differently and because of those value differences, she doesn't always see my logic in how I handle things. I don't expect anyone to ever fully understand what is going on in my head, honestly, but I do expect that if someone questions my logic that they take what I have to say - the context - seriously instead of staying so resolute in their opinion and making me waste my breath. I am the kind of person that puts great importance on small nuances. Perhaps it's the lawyer's way of thinking; a small nuance may be the thing to make or break a case. It might be occurring in that case I recently blogged about, the insurance case where I have slight chance to make a precedent. In that case, I read what looked like an open-and-shut, unfavorable authoritative opinion very closely to find an opening to make a factual distinction that might lead to some justice for our client. Here, I wanted some justice for myself - and with a complete picture, I can see distinctions that I feel make a difference. I do hang on words. That is my nature. And in hanging on words, I find meanings in nuances that point to discrete values that I may value differently than other people. She didn't or wouldn't think that deeply and saw it as my ego and not wanting to be wrong. Hell, no one wants to be wrong! But she took it to the extreme and tried to stick it to me in a way that I felt was unnecessary. The means of delivering a message, good or bad, does count. She's going through the same thing with her brother - he has some message but it's so wrapped in vitriol that she can barely discern it. And here I am again, feeling like nothing I said would make a difference in changing an opinion. Sometimes I wonder why I try. She decided that she didn't feel like arguing and hung up. Now, no matter how tired of someone I was, I wouldn't do that. That is just rude and disrespectful and I don't believe in treating someone that is supposed to be your friend that way. If I am not going to engage someone in an argument, I will at least wait until they finish the rant to politely disengage. Why? Because I don't believe that person is a waste of my time. And to hang up on me tells me that I am not worth your time. We had a blowup months ago over communication issues and I have been careful to try to avoid stepping on her toes ever since. Walking on eggshells, if you will. And in that time, I have learned to just let her do what she felt that she needed to and support her - especially since she has to learn things for herself most of the time anyway. I don't expect anyone to kiss my ass to agree with me on everything, but in a debate, I would like to hear some kind of acknowledgement in an argument of something that I said. I don't always feel that from her because of the way we parse information - me on the finer, more hair-splitting side, and her on the bigger picture. Now I wonder if it even matters? I know that I do have to be more sensitive to the way I come across - but I am not the only one.