Riverwide

I spent a year in the mouth of a whale With a flame and a book of signs You'll never know how hard I've failed Trying to make up for lost time Once I believed in things unseen I was blinded by the dark Out of the multitude to me He came and broke my heart When the dust in the field has flown And the youngest of hearts has grown And you doubt you will ever be free Honey, don't bail on me River is wide and oh so deep And it winds and winds around I dream we're happy in my sleep Floating down and down and down And the tide rushes by where we stand And the earth underneath turns to sand And we're waiting for someone to see Honey, Don't bail on me. Tell ma I loved the man Even though I turned and ran Lovely and fine I could have been Laying down in the palm of his hand Laying down in the palm of his hand Laying down in the palm of his hand Staying down in the palm of his hand In the morning you wait for the sun And secretly hope it won't come But time washes everyone clean Honey, now don't bail on me Don't bail on me Don't bail on me Sometimes I swear that Sheryl Crow sings my life. Maybe it has just been hormones, as it's just that time again... but sometimes I really miss the power of intimacy... that hungry, consuming, satisfying thing called "sharing your life." It's been a little over year since I "turned and ran" - and God, I loved that man. Lovely and fine I could have been, if I was willing to be more of what he wanted me to be, instead of being just as I am. In that year, I have been trying to make up for lost time - three and a half years of it. It hasn't been quite like Jonah, suffering for his disobedience to God by being in the mouth of the whale for a year. But it's had its own trials and tribulations, and I spent a lot of time dreaming I was happy but not quite making it happen. Maybe I rushed things, putting myself back out there so soon (October of last year). I just gave myself frustration, though it was exciting to meet new people. But truth be told, time does wash everyone clean... and in time, you become ready, truly ready, again to take another step, another foray into the world and be a better friend and partner. This October 30th will be our 11th anniversary of the day we met. Oddly enough, it was on a dance floor for a Halloween dance thrown by a club at our undergraduate college. He came over to talk to my friend. Jodeci's Stay came on, and I kind of gushed about the song - it was so sultry and longing. He asked if I wanted to dance. It felt so nice and natural, and when we started talking... that old cliché about everyone and everything disappearing happened. We talked and talked, spent many evenings having dinner and great conversations. We laid down a strong root of friendship before going beyond that. I wish I could say that the rest was history, in a happily-ever-after sense. We haven't been together the entire 11 years - there was some heartbreak in between and eventual closure. But we have always had that root friendship; we have always been able to talk and be friends, and there was always a strong physical attraction. Once closure was had and the slate was clean again, that root just grew into a tree for three and a half years. But the problem is that the core of the tree was rotten. We want different things. I think he's chasing after a specific dream that is hard to find. He's more career-driven, and I'm more balanced. He says he wants a family, but doesn't live like it. I know I want a family, and would be willing to make sacrifices to get there. Yet I don't want to be a barefoot-and-pregnant housewife; I went to law school for a reason! I have a craft. But in the end, I realized that part of why we separated the first time hadn't changed. I am not "ambitious" enough for him. He needs to find someone that is just as career-driven as he is. He needs to find a female version of himself. THEN he'll be happy. You can sense this kind of thing - when someone you are supposed to marry doesn't ache to be with you ... when he puts his job before you just to kiss some ass ... you know you're second-best and therefore eventually dispensable. That's not a feeling that anyone deserves. Plus when it was like pulling teeth to talk to him because of his job? Long story short ... I kicked it to the curb. It is hard to do that when you have so much time and emotion invested. But time is never a reason to stay together when you know you aren't growing together. He didn't want to separate, but I think it was for the best. I needed my sanity; I needed to lower my expectations. Maybe later, but not now... But what is now? Now is weeks and weeks of radio silence, with us occasionally checking on the other to see what's up. Now is me hoping in the deepest sections of my heart for the next person I meet to be "the one" ... that I would be able to find what I need, what I'm looking for in some nice, tall, dark, Christian package ... so I could once more be free to indulge myself in that power of intimacy. I dream of that happiness. But the truth is that I need to be happy by myself first, before I can be happy again with someone else. And that takes some time. Time to be washed clean...