A Fair Shake

I wonder what I've gotten myself into. In speaking to some of the associates, I'm realizing that while no one can ever be happy 100% of the time, I am beginning to sense a general undercurrent of unhappiness. To be honest, the billing requirement is really pretty ornery. But the partners are doing 200+ a month. Once I get a decent caseload, I should be able to as well. I wonder if people are spazzing too much? Is it an organizational/time management problem? We'll see. I shouldn't be stressing myself out so early (especially since I don't have a caseload yet) but I don't want to live my life in some GD office. I'm all for living richly - but not necessarily about money. Work is good, and doing a good job offers a sense of personal reward. But killing myself not-necessarily-so-softly for well under six figures? I don't have the patience to do that too long. Thank God I'm still young enough to do this shit. Part of me wishes I was 5 years younger, but again, I don't regret the route I've taken. I am still going to give this a fair shake. There really are plenty of opportunities to excel if I play my own cards right. There are lots of opportunities to learn and do well. I will take this and run with it, as I know it is at least a good first step toward making me a great litigator. I think I have a plan, if I gravitate toward 1 or 2 of the partners to get discrete projects/hearings on the side. I've been doing work with one, and he's pretty bright. I almost dare say brilliant but I don't know him well enough to really say that and mean it. But he's sharp, keeps cool, and is pretty savvy. That's why he's a partner, right? I think I want to get in his ear, to go to him and get stuff that will bolster my workload if my hours don't work out. Him and the senior partner, who I hear is a fabulous litigator. I just don't want to end up in a situation where I am grossly unhappy and looking for a job. It's too soon for all that, you know? The best thing I can do right now is to not lose my head, and while it's good to keep my ears to the ground, I can't get caught up in office gossip. That caused a lot of heartache last time, but it was necessary as my dirty clown of a boss was an ethically-challenged punk bitch, and I needed to get my ass out of there, stat. I think I've found a mentor. That's one good step toward navigating my way through all this. But in the meanwhile, I really need to relax and concentrate on learning... and to remember to be good to myself. Last Friday, the paralegal helping with the heeuge discovery response commented that I was a little crazy. I was goofing around as we were finishing up the packing on that mofo, and she made that comment. I responded to her, "you have to be a little bit crazy, because then you can do anything." I need to remember that. The Lord doesn't give anyone more than they can bear. I have the means to succeed here. I am smart enough, and can focus enough to do this. I can organize myself better. I am here to rise to this occasion, and learn something about myself. It's time to be bigger than I am, time to grow, to stop resisting change. I am a little bit crazy, and I can do this. I can do anything.