Wedding Blues, revisited

Well, it's over. The wedding ultimately turned out to be successful. There are several truths here, with weddings: 1. They will NEVER start on time; 2. No wedding will EVER go perfectly; and 3. The most important thing that needs to happen is for the couple to make the vows. Everything else is gravy. I know you missed my 3-bullet list ;) Tonight, I didn't bother with the whole bouquet thing. They called for the women to get up and catch it and I didn't bother. It wasn't out of despondency, but because I know that's a stupid myth. I've caught numerous bouquets since 1995 (my sister's wedding), and have not been "the next one to get married." But this really is no big deal. I realize that I may not be ready for someone, though I feel like I am. I'm not completely happy, but who ever is? I generally feel comfortable with myself. I don't loathe myself. Mentally, I keep pulling myself up by the bootstraps and I keep on going. You do what you have to in order to stay sane. The groom comes to me tonight and asks when we're going to have one of these [a wedding] for me? Obviously, I can't answer that. And when people say stuff like that, I get that spiraling feeling... like when watching a movie, you see someone standing on the edge of a canyon and looking down... that dizzying drop with appropriately ominous music to match. It's not something I can control. But I am in no real rush. I know how it feels to be deeply in love, and I know how it feels to be lonely in a relationship. The low of being lonely on a fundamental level is something I don't wish to experience again. I don't expect to get it right straight out of the blocks, of course. But I know that it takes time, and I'm cool with that. I am far more into quality than quantity, but in some ways this is a numbers game. Which means that I need to take more risks with people - to be a little less risk-averse, a little less judgmental. That's enough introspection for tonight. I've got car issues and I'm not a happy camper, considering that I just blew over 800 bucks on it last month to replace 2 oxygen sensors. I am going to be a raging bitch if I need major work after I just got it serviced. I am not made of money and don't make that much to keep bringing my little POS in. Ugh. I'm not going to get started on all that. I prefer introspection as opposed to merely spewing negativity. See y'all later.