Home.

So Hurricane Frances has not screwed up my Labor Day yet. I managed to make my (largely empty) flight to Tampa. The weather is mild and calm here at this time. The east coast is expected to bear the brunt of the storm, but I get the feeling that Frances (which has downgraded to Category 2 since last night) is going to do a Floyd and make a northern uptick that keeps her contained mostly to Eastern Florida... maybe even keep the eye offshore? Doubt that, but we'll see, I suppose. I'm not God. Honestly, I wouldn't want that job anyway. Those of you that have seen Bruce Almighty understand that. It's nice to be home. There is a calmness and serenity about my parents' house that puts me at ease. Maybe because it's so clean... my mom keeps telling me that a clean place is a de-stresser. I might take her up on that... but I've been so lazy all the time. Little by little, maybe. I have a pile of clothes on the bed that unfortunately is in the place of where a human should be... too bad it's nowhere near as warm or affectionate, but oh well. It still needs to be cleaned up. Maybe the calmness is here because it's HOME. I didn't grow up here, I have no real ties to here except my family. And my family is my center. I have nothing, really, except them. Yeah, I have achieved some things, but those things are all ephemeral compared to what matters. Speaking of which, one of these days I will get around to repairing my relationship with my sister. There is a chasm right now that in my mind I am working to rebuild. Things are awkward and I am not sure how to broach speaking to her. I don't want to speak to her until something really positive happens, since she thinks I'm depressed and trying to escape something. But she's not privy to what goes on in my life on a daily basis, and frankly, I don't feel the need nor do I have the energy to recount everything to her to change her mind. It's my fucking life, and I am not about to slit my wrists, so fucking deal with it. When I have something really positive to tell her, I will. But this is going to make Christmas awkward... and my parents don't even know (well, I suspect that they don't know) that we haven't really spoken in about a month. But I have nothing to say; rather, I probably do have something to say but I draw a blank when I think about it and I honestly have no desire to hold myself accountable to her. I can take care of myself well enough. I need people to trust me, to know that I have a handle on what I'm doing and even IF I don't, I will be able to rebound and handle it like an adult. I see it as a trust issue. They obviously don't. I didn't even tell anyone except my friends about the blowout with the tire. Last thing I need right now is for people to keep fretting over me like I can't handle my shit. I know they mean well, but dammit, I don't need the drama that accompanies full disclosure in these situations. My mother says she'll always worry about me as long as I'm living by myself and am unmarried. I understand that to a degree but it's pretty fucking annoying at times. I know she loves me and means well, but we are from two very different generations and her irrational fears are not my irrational fears. I have long since learned to take care of myself, and I have long since punished myself for advice not taken. Ah, there is Miss Independent again, trying to secretly stir up the pot in my heart while I sit here amid the quiet stillness of my peaceful home. Home is supposed to be a resting place, a respite from the cruel world. And yet, I have been massively sheltered and even overprotected by my loving family. This must be why they all have low expectations of me being able to handle myself. Yes, life does need to kick me in the ass some more... and it's going to. I just don't need the mental anguish that comes with trying to please these people. sigh... fuck off, Miss Independent, just this once. I need to stop thinking about this shit before I start lugging it around in my heart. Rather, before I start lugging it around on the surface, as the problems with trust (as I perceive it) are always lurking in the cockles of my heart. Anyway, I need something more positive... I hope to see my little nephew tomorrow. He's 1 and in charge, lol. Precious little boo boo... I haven't seen him since January, when my grandmother passed away. I miss my little boo boo. I hope he doesn't run from me because I haven't seen him in forever. :p