Last Debate

This was interesting to watch. President Bush did the best for himself in this debate, in terms of his physical performance and elocution. And Senator Kerry was still strong with great points and a real presence. I really do think it will be a photo finish, but I get the feeling that history will repeat itself and the second President George Bush will only sit for one term. Some days I actually think Bush will win, though. It's going to be quite an election. I had a long conversation with my mother tonight. We talked about various things, ranging from the thing with my sister to politics to abortion and other moral issues, and also the way I feel when interacting with my family. One of the core issues of my familial interaction is that I sometimes feel that I have been so protected, that they don't always have confidence in me to make decisions for myself and care for myself. The whole thing that touched off my family's worrying about me and the eventual incident with my sister in July came on the heels of one of the most harrowing times of my life - the bar exam. I was tired, and rightly so. I'd been killing my noodle for the last 8 weeks, sat in the Javitz Convention Center for 12 hours over 2 days, and then drove down from New York the very next day to catch up with my mother while she was in the area. What the hell did they expect me to look like? A million bucks? (As an aside, my hair has JUST recently stopped falling out from the stress.) And then, the fact that I had run out of cash scared my mom. The thing is, I had it under control - but seeing a frazzled me in such a precarious time set off all their alarms. I had the means to take care of myself, and I just didn't ask for help. Here is the profound thing. Mom said that it would give her great pleasure to help me if I needed it. Because I have never been a strain to them financially, for them to have the opportunity to help me would be a pleasure - to give back to someone that has always been a giver, a helper. I have been the one who always had her financial stuff in check, and my folks have never really needed to give me any money. I have usually been the one that they could come to if they needed some short-term financial assistance. Wow. It's amazing how simple and powerful that concept is. Pride goes before destruction, she reminded me. I did take some pride in that. And even though things were nowhere near as bad as they made it out to be, I maybe should have considered asking for a little help ahead of time. I made a miscalculation, and I lived with it. But how I lived with it is the hair that is split. I care about them greatly, and our family has been very close throughout my lifetime. I have had glimpses of times when they had financial difficulty, especially when my brother had medical problems and doctor bills that were stratospheric. I have seen some of the debts they took on to run businesses, and hell, even as a teenager I was able to run my mother's business - a useful skill when my brother got sick. Knowing all of that, I have tried to do my part to support them. And though we were never at the poverty level as far as I can remember, I enjoy being responsible and being able to contribute as needed (which occurs once in every 12 indigo moons). My family is a good representation of the American Dream. Immigrants that moved to this country with very little, but ambitious enough to get good jobs and education to continually improve their station in life. I can't recall ever being truly uncomfortable, but I've never taken that for granted, and I like being able to do my part. I have never been good at receiving gifts or assistance. I enjoy giving. For me, it's easier to give, easier to be the one to make the sacrifice for others. There is pleasure in giving. I suppose they just want me to share. Fair enough. There's more, but that's enough for now. Have a great night.