On Dating Divorcées

So this guy on CL writes this post, asking why women avoid divorcées. He wrote:

Sincere question for the women reading these posts - 30 I realize that this isn't really the best place for philosophical chats, but I'd like a sincere answer to an important question: Why are so many women biased against divorced men? What is it about a man who has actually procreated and shown the maturity to raise a child lovingly that you find so incompatible with yourselves? Honestly, someone who has been through an unsuccessful marriage has a VERY good idea of what will and will not work in a relationship. Similarly, a man who is a good father to one child will undoubtedly be a good father to the children he may have in another, probably much more successful, relationship. So what is it? Is it anxiety over some kind of unspoken competition? Is it the implicit notion that you must be getting older if you're dating someone with kids? Men have a lot of the same problem, but for different reasons. I somehow expected women to be better than that. Anyway, I am complete with just my son and I and I truly don't harbor any frustrations or grudges. I'm just surprised by the behavior and I was hoping to get a clarification. Thanks for humoring me! :-)

I waxed philosophical a bit, and wrote him with an answer. Here is my point of view about divorcées:

Procreation merely implies physical maturity, not mental, emotional, or spiritual maturity. There are plenty of people out there who have children that probably shouldn't, and just because they spend a token amount of time with them doesn't make them the kind of parent that the child deserves or needs. To me, divorce is typically a marker of selfishness and immaturity, the two roots of divorce. Someone that has been through an unsuccessful marriage may be someone that is so selfish and uncompromising that they may as well marry their mirror. They may be so immature that they are implicitly selfish, or unskilled in communication. Without knowing more about the circumstances behind the breakup and seeing if the divorcée learned anything, it is just easier to filter them out by not dating them. Plus they may have particular baggage/drama that is particularly unsavory, especially in relation to the ex/baby's-mama. Not all divorcées do, of course. That stuff takes time to learn, but I personally wouldn't want to learn under the auspices of a romantic relationship. I don't want to be emotionally invested in someone that may be an emotional dead-end. A casual friendship, however, is the medium to learn all that specific information. I have an ex that is a divorcée. He didn't want his divorce, however. His wife left him because she was immature, and had communication issues. He can be a little selfish and controlling in a passive-aggressive way, and she didn't know how to tell him what she wanted when he asked her how to make her happy. So she left once she found a new boyfriend that she felt listened to her more. Granted, you don't have to be a divorcée to have these traits or to have made the same mistakes. But divorce makes it different because it's more obvious and you likely made a vow that you reneged on. For me, unless your wife left you or was so intolerable (e.g., immature to the point of creating financial ruin and unreceptive to communication)that you had to leave to save your sanity, then my guess is that you are too selfish or unwilling to make things work and need someone perfect for you right off the bat to ever be married. And even then, if you married that kind of person, what does it say about your personal judgment? What kind of judge of character are you? What does your partner say about your values? That you picked them with your genitals instead of with your head and heart? Or that you let yourself be fooled by the idea that you could change that person? I'm a person with high standards and strong principles. I will not settle for someone with questionable judgment and a selfish streak that may get the better of our relationship. It may mean that I'll be alone for quite some time, but I learned as a kid that it's better to be alone than in bad company. And as an adult, being in a crappy relationship has reinforced that truism. I'm not so codependent that I'll marry for the sake of not being alone. I will marry because it will be fulfilling to him and me and we see eye to eye on values and judgment. No wishy washy people when it comes to principles - I want someone that is unquestionably strong enough to lead a family amid all the rat-ass people out there, to teach our children to be strong individuals with strong principles and high standards.

Now the trick for me is to not become so selfish that I am dysfunctional in a relationship because I had only to please myself for so long.