On Dating Divorcées, Again

He wrote back. In deference to his privacy, I won't post the text of his letter. Funny, I don't even know who the guy is... should I even care? But I think you'll be able to discern what he said to me by my response.

I appreciate your candor, but please don't attempt to discern the kind of people I'm interacting with from one email. I did acknowledge that divorcées don't have a lock on selfishness or immaturity. But too many people are too willing to quit a marriage if that person doesn't fit them like a glove. Note the common denominator among divorcées: they are all divorced, many of them willingly. That makes them patently obvious quitters when it comes to marriage. Speaking only for myself, I would consider a divorced man if he didn't want the divorce and was willing to work at it. And as for meeting someone that you think you can make a go at life with: yes, it can happen without ever having married them. If one takes things slowly, time and growth happen and can undo things before taking the plunge into marriage. There is natural growth and change, but unselfish people can manage it. What is so untenable that you have to divorce that person for? I don't expect married people to be near-identical automatons, but my parents are still married and they have both grown and changed a lot. Love isn't always about feelings, but it's always about choices. What is so important that you choose it over your spouse? I'm not saying that divorced people are necessarily bad people. They aren't. They are flawed like the rest of us. But, as a mark of selfishness, divorce generally makes that person a known quantity - I know you are probably more selfish and a quitter because you are divorced and you likely chose something else over your spouse. More information, naturally, may change that presupposition. I didn't say that people should stay together because society expects them to - but because you love that person, you choose them and you choose to make things work, even when it may be distasteful. Of course there are extreme circumstances under which someone should leave (abuse, etc.) and no one should be blamed for that. But if as a function of "growing apart" and not managing that growth a person leaves, I respect that as their choice but am unwilling to partner with someone who will likely do that to me. I only intend to be married once. As for pursuing things on principle, you must have some. If your values are mutable, then you will be crushed by the weight of this world and get lost amid its foolishness. It's not a matter of arrogance - you hold your own beliefs for a reason, yes? You believe what you do because it's what you feel is best for you, yes? Doesn't that presuppose that you have a better set of morals? If you didn't, why would you believe in it? This doesn't mean that life won't teach its lessons and that there is no growth - there is, and always will be. It should always teach us to up the ante in communication. But your core beliefs should not be compromised. I understand that what I think is right and better than other beliefs is right for me, and I understand that people aren't going to agree with me. So what? We can still get along. We don't have to agree. There is a time and place for flexibility, but compromising core values isn't one. I'm not saying that that means that one must disrespect other people or look down on them, but it does not mean that people do not have to integrate others' beliefs into their own lives in order to peaceably coexist. Tolerance does not necessarily mean acceptance or condonation of contrasting beliefs. People live their lives, I live mine, and the twain don't have to meet to get along peaceably. So if I accept the fact that some people are okay with divorce for growing apart, that's it. I don't have to condone it. They can go on dating whomever and marrying/divorcing whomever. It just won't be me. Resentment - yes, that's a problem. But if you don't communicate your resentment and try to work it out, then you are not helping the situation. Holding it in and holding a grudge is immature. Would I be selfless enough to apologize even if I think I did nothing wrong? Yes. But I would take the extra step to find the root of the problem, understand it, and work that out. If I can't understand it, I will still apologize anyway and try not to repeat that mistake next time. I am a firm believer that there is always something you can do to improve your relationship, even if you are less/not at fault.

It's an interesting debate. Makes you stop and think... We aren't going to agree, that's for sure. Denial... it's not just a river in Africa.