Okay, Maybe Not...

I started doing some laundry. A girl needs clean clothes, right? Well, I decided to lay down... and you can guess how the rest of the day went from there. I was just so tired... I slept most of the afternoon away. I don't feel too bad about it because I'm just too GD tired and I need the rest. I just wish I would have been a little more productive. But I'm not feeling too guilty about it. I forgot to mention that I am getting my first court appearance next week! A compliance conference in Brooklyn, Wednesday afternoon! Whee! While it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, it is a big deal for me - my first appearance in court! I am thinking about splurging and getting myself a new PDA and maybe an iPod nano. That nano is just too hot! Not like I really make enough money for that, though... but a girl's gotta geek out every now and again. The PDA I want... too cool, with a built in keyboard (no phone, though). But $400 worth of PDA. I need to rethink that priority, don't I? The money thing is a real bitch. How does one measure success? Money is certainly one way to do it. If that's the case, I don't feel all that successful! And I'm serious about that. I'm not a golddigger in any way - material things don't mean whole hell of a lot to me. I am easy to please when it comes to that stuff. But... maybe it's just a bit of cognitive dissonance going on. I mean, when you picture the stereotypical image of an attorney working in New York, the common assumption is someone working for some big firm and making bank. Not so, for me. Granted, my most important concern is to be GOOD. More than anything else, that is why I'm here - I'm in a smaller place where I'll be given responsibility a lot faster, and I'll learn my craft faster. And when you're good, the money will come. This I know. I just feel like in some ways, I have shafted myself. Yeah, I'm angsting over this again... I was talking with my roommate about manicures, for pete's sake, and I realized that I just don't have the cash to actually invest some of my income if I have to get stinkin' manicures and power suits and all these other accoutrements that come with being "a professional" just to keep up appearances. Fuck. I refuse to live hand to mouth. I know you've got to play the game... just play the game, and learn. Well, shit, I'd like to do that without going f'in broke in the process for stupid little shit like manicures and clothing. My roomie's daughter works for a pharmaceutical company and makes bank. This chick didn't put herself through 3 years of law school hell. She doesn't have a professional degree to append to her name. But she is one good salesperson. And she makes more than me. Much more. Someone remind me why I'm doing this shit again? Oh, right. It's not about the money. This is my craft. Truth is, if I were lucky enough to marry filthy rich, I'd still litigate for fun. Sick, eh? I suppose I just need to be patient. It's just so hard, sometimes... because the control freak in me wants everything to be in order ... because I feel light years behind where I should be... because my choice of career path has led me almost inevitably to feeling like this. I think I understand my ex a little more, as he had these kinds of feelings, also being years behind his counterparts. I understand the pressure to kiss a little more ass to make a good impression, to get you farther along. I'd be more reluctant to do it, but you know... you do what you have to in order to survive. Enough. I'm throwing my sleep schedule off pretty badly as is. I'll check y'all later.