Outed

My sister has found my blog. Actually, she found it a couple of days ago. We were discussing blogs and mentioned that she started one. We talked a little bit about the nature of blogging, and I encouraged her to do it. I mentioned that I had my own. Being the smart cookie that she is, she took some very obvious cues and googled me and quickly found my blog. Actually, she found it through DC Blogs. Yet another downside of fame? That's okay, I still love you, DC Blogs. At first, I didn't want her to read it. Technically, I still don't. At first I said it was because I cussed too much (true, but not the real reason). I explained to her tonight why - I am afraid of a tendency toward self-censorship. In blogging, I separate myself and put myself into a somewhat different state of mind to write my thoughts and feelings. I don't want to find myself changing what I write in order to keep peace. Not that we fight a lot, because that isn't the case - but as a prophylactic measure, I wanted to maintain the purity of my blogging experience. But I thought about it (and other things we talked about, maybe I'll write later) and figured that this is about the purest speech you will get from me - pure in the sense that I am meaning what I say, and hopefully saying what I mean! I figure it might be a good tool for her to get to know me better. It's past time that I put some teeth into the phrase "I'm close to my family." I love them dearly, but I'm really not. I'm not a huge phone person, so I don't call a lot. I hear from my brother once a month. I will call my parents a couple of times a week, maybe when I'm out getting lunch. Working late tends to make me not want to talk to anyone when I get home, anyway. I'm kindasorta trying, but I'm not, really. We've never been super close. Part of it is the age gap, as she's almost 6 years older than me. She was always at a different phase of her life through my formative years. That's just the nature of being that much younger. Now that we are adults, we ... I ... should do something to act like I've caught up. I've caught up, haven't I? Kindasortabutnotreally. She's at a phase that I hope to be in - married, with family, and far more at peace with God and herself. I love the Lord and the last year and change has been phenomenal in deepening my relationship with God, but the peace with myself part is a huge distractor. I'm not truly at peace with myself. And that is probably symptomatic of not truly being at peace with God. I explained to her that there are times when I've felt misunderstood, and hadn't bothered to say anything because I didn't think it would change people's preconceived notions about me. Her reading this blog might change some, and might not. I'm at least going to take the chance to be understood, in a way that I may not articulate verbally. It's good, trying to meet each other half way. I'm not going to stop using SAT words, my sister. ;) I will just refer you to Merriam Webster. I will, however, try to cut back on the f-bombs. :)