The Angry Spirit

Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious: I know what has been troubling you . . . Listen to me. Don't continue to be a pawn of the Jedi Council! Ever since I've known you, you've been searching for a life greater than that of an ordinary Jedi . . . a life of significance, of conscience. Anakin Skywalker: You’re wrong! Sidious: Are you going to kill me? Anakin: I would certainly like to. Sidious: I know you would. I can feel your anger... It gives you focus. It makes you stronger!

Love and apologies to George Lucas. When my blog was outed by my sister, she said that I sounded angry. Now, that isn't true 100% of the time, but I know that it's true far more often than I'd like. Anger is a large part of what keeps me going. In my search for a life of significance, of conscience, I hold on to my anger because it gives me power. Yes, like the Emperor says, it gives you focus. It makes you stronger. My 'angry engine' didn't manifest itself until the first time my heart was broken. It was 1995, August, just as my last year of college began. I found out that my first love was loving someone else and didn't have the decency to tell me that something changed. I was broken, and something snapped inside. I was rejected, and angry because it was so disrespectful to me. I was angry at myself for not seeing, not putting the pieces together - for realizing that I was only listening to what I wanted to hear, and that caused me to miss the sign that he didn't really want to be with me always. I was angry, and the wound grieved my soul. Slowly, the person who I was wasn't as secure as she used to be. It was convenient that Alanis Morrissette came out that year, and You Oughta Know connected with me in ways like no other song did. Here is this angry chick - saying everything I felt, but she's not a victim. The victim is something I never wanted to be. She has power. Power is good - it gets you through whatever life tosses at you. I don't necessarily mean money or influence, although that stuff is nice. I mean that certain strength and magnetism, a je ne sais quoi that radiates from a person and lets them achieve anything. I like power - strength of character, strength of mind, strength of body. This triumvirate is extremely sexy and I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame. This rejection was cataclysmic. My faith was shaken, though not broken. The foundation was secure, but in the years following this event, I ended up not being the person I thought I would be. I wasn't as virtuous as I expected I would be. Ironically, I became weaker when I sought to be stronger. I have nasty road rage. It doesn't take much to set me off on the road. I began cursing like a sailor. It's negative energy, but something about it feels cathartic. So in generating anger, I generate power. It takes away my fears and allows me to be more bold in my life. It makes me feel ways that precious few other humans have made me feel - alive, confident, with energy coursing through my vessels. Sexier. Fearless. Triumphant, in a way - because whatever is wrong isn't going to get me. Infinitely more powerful. Not a victim. In my mind's eye, the anger is like the Phoenix Force. It is fire, and life incarnate. It is transformation. It is this beautiful, radiant energy - healing in some ways, dangerous in that it's easy to get blinded and drunk in your own feeling of power. And as the saying goes, power corrupts. Someone somewhere said that depression is anger without enthusiasm. I think it's too true. In my crisis periods, I've kept my anger but lost the energy that pushed me through before. One can only burn a candle at both ends for so long. You have to crash. But then you get back up and get back in the ring. Rising again, like a phoenix. It is not a sin to be angry. Jesus was angry numerous times. But the trick is that in our anger, we should not sin. Righteous anger, indeed. Anger is both a blessing and a curse. It drives me, yet drives me into the ground. I need a better engine. P.S. Happy 400 to me.