Invisible
This topic has been on my mind for some time now, but it has been percolating so that I could come up with the right words to convey how I feel. But truly, the title says it all - I feel invisible. I feel like, by and large, I don't matter. That I truly am worth more dead than alive, and many times lately I have felt more dead than alive. It's the loneliness, really. Rather, it's the loneliness mixed with the huge inadequacy I feel about myself. But loneliness is the trigger. Everything else is just piling on. I went through an emotional crisis period a couple of weeks ago. I didn't say anything here, but I considered finding one of those lawyer intervention services and getting some help for my mental health. I'm not suicidal, but I found myself sizing up the velocity of oncoming trains and calculating how much time it would take to step off the platform and figuring where I would hit it. I would never do it, but scenario crossed my mind more than once as the express trains passing my station whizzed by, blowing my hair into a muss. I imagined it just like being in a dream state and slipping off ever so softly. It would be so easy to just go and be done with all my pressure, right? Wrong. First, commuters would hate me because I'd fuck up their morning commute for the entire morning. My family would be crushed. My few friends, should they ever find out, would be dismayed. I don't stick around for myself. It's more because of a duty to others. In some ways, I would be extremely happy to trade places with my brother - except that I would let go instead of hanging on. I have no spouse, no children - no one who really needs me. What do I really have to live for? You all don't understand the depths of just how much I hate my life, my self sometimes. I feel ugly, or nondescript at best. I feel unlovable, undesirable, unwanted - a face that only my mother could love. My mother and Jesus, that's about it. I feel so behind in time and success, compared to my peers. I mean, I ran my budget and I barely have any money to save or even to go clubbing for pete's sake. And it's not like I'm living high on the hog - you read what I do here almost every day, and that's just shy of NOTHING. Fuck. I can barely afford one drink a week if I want to put some money away into an IRA and have a smidgen of emergency money. How the fuck am I going to pay for trips home if I actually want to SAVE any money? How can I afford to get new clothes or new shoes sometime during the year, to feel like a normal human being? And then at work I have to make these crazy fucking hours... and I keep feeling so behind. And then my mother continues to insist on telling me shit that I already know. Okay, thanks, but haven't you figured out at least since 1998 that I'm going to do stuff in my own time? God damnit! I don't need you to tell me to call so-and-so, because I will when I'm goddamned good and ready! I know 31 is the anagram of 13 but stop fucking treating me this way! And they wonder why I don't call home very often... And then I'm some fucking princess now for feeling this way, when you have genocide going on in Sudan and people that are homeless and/or starving every day. Great. Just never good enough... Maybe this is just the type A side of my personality going unchecked. I mean, I'm always having to check myself in some way - talk to myself, remind myself that I'm good, I'm pretty, I'm competent, I'm normal, I'm worth something to someone while alive and not dead. This post WAS going to focus on issues of race (a large chunk of the unlovable, undesirable part), but the other stuff came streaming through and I couldn't help it. But let's be clear: I am not going to kill myself, though sometimes it whispers to me - isn't that normal? I am going to continue to try to find things that make me happy and comfortable. I am going to continue to hold out the hope that everything will be alright. I am going to continue to check my impatience. And I'm going to step up my game with finding a decent church home, because this post makes it painfully apparent that I need it.
posted by Siryn at
1/15/2006 04:13:00 AM
16 Comments:
Wow. Hmm. Well, you do mention that you haven't been sleeping. That can really screw with your seratonin levels, so maybe allowing your mind to rest will help.
My dad told me that christians don't have to worry about purpose. They get peace and contentment from just being christians. I am still working through that one.
31 is hard. 31 and A type and a perfectionist is very, very hard. It's the woman part that starts talking to you, not the professional part. It's the woman part that somehow thinks it needs something and keeps you up at night.
There's no shame in talking to someone about your feelings. The move to NYC alone would make me need a therapist. Thinking about you!~
By
playfulinnc, at 1/15/2006 09:48:00 AM
Ugh. I had no idea this was going on in your head, and in your life.
The small bits of advice I can provide are only from my own experiences with depression. Yes, I've been there, so I know what you are feeling. I was a firm believer that depression is chemical, and starts and ends inside your head. But, I was wrong.
Outside forces can influence your state of mind. Too much change as Playful said, can trigger a severe mood change.
At the very least, you need to be on some meds for this. Do you want to talk to someone? My brother's ex gf lives in NYC and I can ask her for a recommendation. I know she goes to see someone to help her. Let me know. Call me if you want to talk.
By
Melissa, at 1/15/2006 11:33:00 AM
You know that song sung in Chicago by the bum? Mr. Cellophane? That is, like, my favorite song. It just hits right home.
So, when I was 21, I went and had an overall health evaluation that my HMO offered. I filled out a bunch of questionnaires. One question was, "Do you ever think of suicide." I said yes, thinking, that I have thought of jumping off buildings, but could never do that in actuality. Nevertheless, I still said yes.
During the review, alarm bells went out. When I talked with the doc, I asked what was the matter. She pointed to that question. I asked, isn't it normal for people to have such thoughts. She looked concerned.
So is it normal? Who knows. I do know that I have a type of resilience that comes out right at the edge. So while I sit around, pampered, I may have thoughts, when I get close to the edge, I just think of how badly I want to live.
So my longwinded, lame ass suggestion is to talk and be more open. You work through feelings that way rather than having them be held up inside.
By
Dan, at 1/15/2006 01:01:00 PM
A couple of ideas come to mind: You are the only one who can think in your head, and its only a thought. Choose what you think carefully. Louise Hay- "You can Heal Your Life" I believe.
It takes six months to solidify a pattern or habit, even thinking patterns. Don't know where I got this idea.
No temptation has seized you, except what is common to man. If its a screw up, you can bet lots of us have been there...
If you get a record or voice playing over and over and over in your head, sometimes you have to break the record. Anthony Robinson. Do something to disrupt it, even if its just yelling,
"argh!"
I will pray you find a church with someone who you can become "in check" buds with.
ma salama! go with peace.
By
Darrell, at 1/15/2006 05:24:00 PM
Oh the "No temptation..." is from the Bible.
And what do you do that is just plain fun every week?
By
Darrell, at 1/15/2006 05:27:00 PM
Thanks, guys.
I think am aware enough of my self that if I think I have crossed the line and really need a therapist, I'll go find one. They do have some mental health services for lawyers to help deal with all the stress.
You're right, playful, it is the woman part that keeps me up at night - it's the time I need to be just me. But that is probably why the seratonin levels are probably off.
Mature Christians will be content just to be. I am, very much admittedly, not a mature Christian. I still struggle with a lot of the things that mature Christians do not struggle with because they've deepened their relationship with God enough that these kinds of things don't make it to their crisis thresholds. Their crisis thresholds are much, much higher.
Shame on me, I have not seen Chicago in play or movie form. But I looked up the lyrics, and boy... yeah, sometimes it feels that way.
I understood what you said, Darrell, about temptation. Thank you.
By
Siryn, at 1/15/2006 06:57:00 PM
Oh, and my therapist used to ask me who shat in my pool.
When I realized that I couldn't identify exactly why I was so mad at being me, I gave in...to being me.
That woman part talks to me, too. I go back and forth on whether listening is helping me identify what is important to me, or if it is making me harder on myself. I liked the idea of re-training those thoughts to be a little more gentle.
And, transitional depression is not like life long MD or BiPolar or whatever. It is just the transition. The brother's illness probably triggered you to clue in to it.
By
playfulinnc, at 1/15/2006 07:27:00 PM
I'm no font of wisdom, believe me. I used to be regarded as such, in the minds of friends and family...then I had my sense of self smacked down. I got hit with an insane case of TMJ and it was accompanied by severe tinnitus.
The ringing was loud and would last for days...sometimes weeks. My sense of self and self-worth was crushed. I was debilitated. Lost my health...my weight dropped and I couldn't sleep or eat solid food. The severity, the medical bills and the impact on my longtime relationship and ability to work...it destroyed me.
It contributed mightily to the end of the relationship and a general inability to see a future for myself as an individual.
You've read my blog, you've seen my ups and downs...mostly downs. I am living alone for the first time in my life and it's taken a long time to be okay with it. But I'm still lonely. Very lonely. My friends are on the other side of the country. I have frantically searched for love...and not done well (mostly because of my shortcomings, fears and insecurities). And the tinnitus still grips me from time to time, and my despair is great during those flare ups.
So, what does it mean?
I occasionally feel worthless, as if my passing would mean little, but then I persevere, and did so during those dark days. Why? Because I didn't want to impact others out of my deperation. You don't want to do that either. I get it...believe me. But you find life filled more with struggle than with joy...and peace, relief and an ultimate end seem tempting. I get that, too.
All I can say is that you have to persevere through these times.
I have many regrets, acted irrationally over the last half-year and generally can't see much hope for the happiness I dream of. But I dream. Think of despair as the wanting for a dream to come true. IF you can still daydream about the happiness you'd like to have, please keep plugging away.
As a fav author wrote: "Certainly the game is rigged, but don't let that stop you. If you don't bet you can't win."
Life is generally absurd. But you've made it...to the point of being a lawyer in NYC. Bully for you. And it does task me during down times to think of Katrina victims, those who've been abused, raped or molested...of those who starve daily. I feel selfish for feeling down. It can be a vicious cycle.
You and I are far better off than billions of others who struggle daily. Small consolation, right? Yeah, I know.
I search daily for that "ordinary world," for someone to love and to share life with...for the sort of redemption that comes from the loving embrace of a person who loves you in spite of yourself.
I've had it before. It can happen. The key is that you can't predict what'll come your way. You'll just have to find out. And you will.
By
Josophist, at 1/15/2006 08:21:00 PM
Sorry to hear that, Siryn.
While we may all struggle to find a purpose, or wonder if we even have one, I often revert back to my relationships with my good friends and family.
We all feel insignificant on the global scale, but believe me, you'd leave a big hole if you weren't around.
By
Phil, at 1/16/2006 09:49:00 AM
You seem like a very driven and talented woman. Don't forget that.
I think about suicide from time to time. I think it's one of the crosses that self-awareness forces us to bear.
Asking the question, "would it just be easier to die?"
Even if the answer is yes, let's face it - - you only get one chance to play this game, and it's the only game in town. No matter how tough it is sometimes, it's better to play through until the dice start turning up winners than to quit at the lowest point.
By
A Unique Alias, at 1/16/2006 10:43:00 AM
i think it's very normal to have thoughts of suicide or boughts of depression. i have definitely had them.
as a 23 year old i would just like to say you are a role model. you are an independent woman, completed law school, live on your own, have a good work ethic. as someone who has no idea where i'll be at age 31, it helps to know that there are strong women like you.
i only know you from the blog, but i know that you ARE somebody and your absence would hurt so many people.
seeking professional help might shed some light on the root of these feelings you are having.
By
VP of Dior, at 1/16/2006 01:35:00 PM
You guys floor me. Thanks so much for your positivity.
Who shat in my pool? classic.
I am driven, and part of that makes me drive myself into the ground. I suppose I need to ease up with the lead foot.
Thank you for all your wisdom and encouragement. Points are well and humbly taken. You guys rock.
By
Siryn, at 1/16/2006 11:05:00 PM
When I get in these moods, sometimes the best thing is to pick up the phone and talk to a friend -not necessarily to tell them what i'm thinking - but just to have the affirmation that i'm not really how i'm feeling.
I think you've done that for me a few times in the past. Give your friends the chance to return the favor. Being vulnerable with friends doesn't make you weak.
By
Bus Snob, at 1/17/2006 01:28:00 PM
For the record (we are after all attorneys), you can get the lyrics here: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/c/chicagolyrics/mrcellophanelyrics.html
Doesn't do justice to the song though, sung in such a classic tone. Anyone with an MP3 link?
By
Dan, at 1/17/2006 02:39:00 PM
Let me try that again. The lyrics are here
By
Dan, at 1/17/2006 02:39:00 PM
Bus Snob: mea culpa. I'll give you a ring this week.
By
Siryn, at 1/18/2006 12:38:00 AM
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