The Arrangement

My mind ran across an old co-worker today, who used to work with me at the dirty clown's office. Great girl, very passionate about taking care of her clients - but got burned badly by ol' dirty clown. He, naturally, threw her under the proverbial bus for some shit he did or failed to do. That indiscretion has come home to roost with a firestorm of its own. Anyway... She should be married by now, as I believe she was supposed to marry sometime last month. I wondered how she was doing; she is also New York barred and should be in this area. I recalled some of our conversations and this one stuck out in my head: arranged marriages. She's a young gal, only 27 or 28. And yet she was lamenting her dating situation at the time. She was somewhat seriously considering marrying for convenience, or accepting an arranged marriage. I laughed and encouraged her that she didn't have to - not like my own dating situation was that much better, but still... And sure enough, it turned out that she met someone she could love, and now they should be married. A little fast, but not terribly so. Hey, when you know, you just know. In many ways, opting for an arranged marriage in these times and in American culture is just laziness. I mean, really, we are in an age where more people are fending for themselves as professionals. I'm not my daddy's property to be marketed off to anyone's son! Although I'm sure my parents would make sure he wasn't just anyone - he'd have to be of sterling character for their baby. :) So many more marriages were like business arrangements in the past. And yet, these people didn't divorce. Culture was different decades ago; divorce wasn't acceptable, and people did things because they felt obligated to. and prenups? Only the richest had them. Now, we are a far more self-indulgent society, and divorce is so common it's almost expected. My position on prenups has become one that it is an act of love. You've come a long way, Siryn. I imagine that even though marriages were arranged, many people learned to actually love their spouse. Sometimes I think I could do that. I'm pretty sure I could. He'd have to be pretty abhorrent to preclude that ability. I mean, yes, there is chemistry and chemistry is what makes a relationship so sweet. Chemistry is the fuel for passion. But love - real love - is far more than chemistry. Love is about choosing someone else over yourself. It's about serving someone else, and not just yourself - and not just because it makes you feel good. Service often involves a sacrifice, a sacrifice that some people are unwilling to make. Many people understand this academically or pay it lip service, but run to the divorce lawyer when the rubber meets the road. Note that I didn't use the term 'pleasing' - because it's more than simple pleasure or fleeting happiness. Love is all about choices. When the passion subsides a bit, and the luster of newness has faded, what will you choose? For the people ages ago, were they entirely unhappy? I'm sure some were. People who were stuck with selfish, truly incompatible spouses would be. But what if he's a basically a good guy? Or she's a good gal? What is it why people can't make it work? What is it that seeps into the consciousness and makes life with them SO untenable? I can see it if the person is abusing controlled substances or abusive, but for those that aren't... what can be so godawful? Is it that they didn't choose you instead of whatever else? These are just rhetorical questions. One undercurrent with my favorite mistake is that he was always seeking something else, someone more like him. It was this way when we dated in college, though I didn't want to think of it that way. And once we got back together years later and he got back into the business world, he wanted someone who would "challenge" him. He was always choosing something or someone else, something so he could "self-actualize." I couldn't always see it, but 2+ years ago, it finally sank in and I let him go so he could find it. I don't know if he has, and God bless him if he did. If, in another space and time, I was in an arranged marriage with him, I could make it work. He at least cared about me enough to make a marriage tolerable. He is a decent man - but he doesn't love me with the deep, committed desire that I want, and that I want to give in return. And now this post comes to this - So what? I don't know, but I've been writing for over a half hour now. I guess the 'so what' factor is this: Love is about choices, and passion is glue that helps to bind us together. Love without passion is a good friendship. Passion without love is lust that teeters on the precipice of destruction. But love with passion - that joie de vivre, that élan - is satisfaction, is nourishment to body, spirit, and soul. An arranged marriage in this day and age could be good, and could even be great - but it is at its very essence settling for something less than you wanted. It could take much love and much sacrifice to reach the point where it is truly great - love with élan. We should be living life to its fullest, and to settle for empty love, especially out of laziness, is cheating ourselves of something supremely good. And yet this runs in tension with making sacrifices - but the only tension here is temporal, because you have to make the choice to be with that person first. I suppose we've got to do better with choices, then, eh? My folks raised me to understand that it's better to be alone than in bad company. It's good advice. Never settle, and don't be someone that anyone settles for.