Kernels of Truth

I was surfing probably the most controversial DC blog and ran across an old post of his where he linked to this site called NoMarriage.com. Wow, that thing was offensive - basically it says that American men should marry foreign wives because modern Western women are selfish princesses. I find it important to read shit like this because it's important to understand the minds of men, and there are always kernels of truth in it. I didn't mean the pun, but it's funny now - corn (kernels) in shit. Ha! It seems utterly selfish and self-centered at some points, and actually worth greater thought in others. Here is a particularly low point: in discussing the psychological and physical problems that come with post-partum depression, the author takes the Fred Flintstone approach and says this conclusory statement: "The point here is that you don't want women's problems to become your problems." Yeah, there's being a loving partner! Oh, and women are supposed to expect a man to put on a few pounds, but he rakes them over the coals for putting on weight. Right...like male obesity is any more attractive than female obesity. Especially with hairy man-breasts. Men, if you need a Bro or can't see your dick while looking at your feet, newsflash: that is still gross. Hit the f'in gym. Aside from wanting general subservience, however, comes some interesting stuff that if you distill it down to its core, you can see the merit in it. The simple truth is this: Men want to feel appreciated. And it's universal, because newsflash, men: Women want the same end result. The means, however, is different because of the differences in the perception of self-image and world view. I'd like to link it to the five love languages, because those five languages are the keys to pushing the appreciation buttons in your partner. The key is, you have to actually give a shit and make conscious choices to get there. Love is about choice. Period. For most men, a lot of the ego is wrapped up in a sense of masculinity and virility. Sex is very much a part of the male ego and performance counts. So things like denying sex cuts at the core of the man. Rejecting a woman's advances when she actually makes a move (or doesn't, expecting the man to come on to her) similarly messes with her self-image. But it's a different flavor with men. With women, the core is, "am I ugly, undesirable?" For men, it's more visceral - "Am I less of a man?" But men, you can't expect an unhappy wife to welcome your penis if you don't give a shit about what she wants. You can buy a whore for that, and even get the GFE. Some Christian men love to lord over the "Wives, submit to your husbands" bit but leave off the reciprocal duty for husbands to love their wives in return. What does that mean? Make her feel appreciated, and she will make you feel appreciated. It is give and take. It isn't always through material means. You have just got to know how, and you should know how before you marry her. And she should know how you need to feel appreciated before she marries you. Watch behavior, and you'll know. Because sex is often more emotional for women, you should expect that having sex with someone you don't like at the present moment because you are angry with them is a sacrifice, and acknowledge it as such. Denial of sex (which, as a general practice, I don't recommend) is not always manipulation, though some women use it as such. Sometimes you just can't do it. And when that comes about, it's probably time to work on bridging the communication gap to get to the heart of the problem. It's not necessarily to manipulate and trick you. You are probably wondering about why I'm musing on this topic. I am a student of human nature, and as a realist, I feel it paramount to understand human nature and never underestimate it. So many people with relationship woes... if you paid attention and interpreted the behavior, you would have seen the writing on the wall. At 31, I don't want to find myself in a situation thinking, "you're too old to be this stupid!" when simple observation and reflection could have taught me otherwise. But you're a Christian! And you've never married! True, but from my standpoint, God made sex as wonderful as it is, and meant for it to be cherished in a lasting and supportive relationship. God loves sex. I know that sounds odd but it's true, and it's a gift. If he didn't love sex, it wouldn't be so dang good. We are designed this way. So there is an incentive for me to wait - great sex will only come with the best person for me. Contrary to how I may have portrayed myself in previous blogs, I'm going to be unequivocal. I love sex. It's like the old Ice-T song:

Sex in the morning Sex at night Sex in the afternoon's all right!

Oh yeah. Would feel reeeally nice on those cold mornings when I don't want to get out from under the covers... or having a reason to go to bed at a reasonable hour. hee. Yeah, I caved, but I want to wait now because I'm much more ready for something real. I do want to find someone who is of like mind, but that is the proverbial needle in a haystack. In the meanwhile, I will appreciate the basically good men around me and coexist a bit. Waiting for it, for me, is not a matter of being prudish, or acting like what I've got is made of gold - it's about being more discerning. Wow, I've strayed a bit. Back to the general gist: DCB says that men are waiting for the alleged 5% of women that are not broken, that they only want the very best. But instead of 'fucking and chucking,' I'll pass, thanks. It's not about the notch. You just don't settle for shit. That is my world view at this time. Ultimately, sex is only one component of a relationship, but it can be huge because it's so deeply linked to our self-image. Sex really is sacred, and in my opinion, we should treat it as such. We need to understand how it interplays with our sense of self-worth, as it's going to be different for every one of us. And more importantly, we need to understand how it affects our parnter. Here's to great sex, love, and fulfilling relationships.